Blog on the Run: Reloaded

Thursday, October 31, 2002 10:11 pm

Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 10:11 pm


Since it’s Halloween, we’ll talk about scary stuff. In the case of my son, this is kind of difficult. All the usual things that scare, or at least unnerve, toddlers — loud noises, large animals, politicians — he accepts with equanimity, if not enthusiasm.

But we’ve finally found the one thing that scared him: Big Mouth Billy Bass.

We got Billy as a gift to my daughter from a relative, but we’d stashed him away in hopes of slipping him into a yard sale without her noticing he was missing. No such luck; she pulled him out of the closet the other day and gave him a place of honor on the table in the den. And my son was not happy. When Billy began singing, he looked tense and anxious — and suspicious. When Billy turned his head 90 degrees to the left and began singing directly at my son, he wailed and buried his head in my shoulder.

Well, yesterday, he did, anyway. Tonight, he was not only finding Billy entertaining (heck, I found Billy entertaining the first time I heard him sing, although he got real tired real quick after that), he was actually urging me to push the button that makes Billy sing, although at first, he would not do it himself. Finally, he did, though, and with that fine sense of rhythm that only a millennium of Scottish breeding can give one, he began beating time, quite irregularly, on my thigh as he danced an approximation of a toddler with a seizure.

But never fear: We’ve still got something scary, and I like to call it “Whose Tomahawk Is Bigger?”

Sleep well … if you can. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ….

Wednesday, October 30, 2002 4:37 pm


Filed under: Housekeeping — Lex @ 4:37 pm

One of the neat features of my site’s hit counter [2006 update — no longer using since moved to WordPress] is that it generally notes the referring page. Although the free version I’m using doesn’t specifically give you the search-engine keywords that might have led a visitor here, the referring-page info often includes that information.

So imagine my surprise when I get a visitor based on the Google search happy+birthday+CNN+Lou+Dobbs.

‘Course, I guess that’s better than paramecium+sex or some such.

The hell??

Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 11:59 am

The New York Times’ obituary on Richard Harris this week inexplicably omitted any mention of his recording of the Jimmy Webb standard “MacArthur Park,” arguably the worst pop recording of all time.

For those of you whose interests lie outside pop music, that’s comparable to writing about The Washington Post without mentioning Janet Cooke or the career of Walter Mondale without mentioning the outcome of the 1984 presidential race.

Weird …

Dude, I think the jury’s still out on that

Filed under: Weird — Lex @ 11:01 am


I am the quietly intense type. I feel things to a depth few imagine. Life flows through me like a rushing river….I barely feel it all around me. No I am not weird. No, I’m not depressed all the time, quite the opposite. I am sunshine. I am love. I’m not some new aged whacko either.

Monday, October 28, 2002 4:28 pm

From the mouths of babes …

Filed under: Hooper — Lex @ 4:28 pm

A few samples from my son’s ever-increasing vocabulary:

  • “Zebatook.” (“Zebra truck,” a zebra-striped SUV pictured in one of his books)
  • “Deh dizz.” (“There it is.”)
  • “No, daddy!” (Used whenever I’m doing something, like eating breakfast, that doesn’t involve hoisting him in my arms and playing face games with him.)
  • “Dipe!” (“Kind and loving father, would you be so kind as to replace the soiled undergarment I currently wear with a pristine undergarment of like description? I should be ever so grateful.”)
  • “I stinky!” (Same as above.)
  • Cryptic anecdote

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 11:29 am

    Once upon a time, there was a milk. It was so fat, it could not walk. The End.

    Probably no one in the world besides my mother, my brother Frank, and I know the significance of the above anecdote, but that’s OK. I just wanted it somewhere in cyberspace where I could find it once I start going senile and all.

    And, yes, there’s probably a metaphor in there somewhere.

    Friday, October 25, 2002 5:24 pm

    No fleas on that dog

    Filed under: Weird — Lex @ 5:24 pm

    “Sonny just laid by my side,” [the victim] said. “He knew something was bad.”

    No hero, my butt

    Filed under: Salute! — Lex @ 3:53 pm

    Lest it be said that I can never say anything nice, let me pick another argument, this one with trucker Ron Lantz, who directed cops to the D.C-area sniper suspects, then told CNN, “I’m no hero.”

    Dude? You so are.

    Lantz not only notified the cops when he saw the car they were looking for in that rest stop on I-70, he also blocked the exit ramp with his rig so that the suspects, who were asleep, couldn’t drive off if they woke up.

    Now, think about that: Here’s a couple of guys armed with at least one assault rifle, wanted in connection with at least 10 killings, some of which were committed in jurisdictions with the death penalty. You think they’re not going to shoot their way out if they wake up and think they need to leave in a hurry?

    Lantz is in line for some reward money, and I’m glad for him. But he also illustrates a point that America’s foes forget at their peril: Even ordinary Americans will attempt extraordinary things under extraordinary circumstances, often with flagrant disregard for their own safety, when the lives of others are at stake. Some of the 9/11 hijackers found that out the hard way. Now, so have two sniper suspects.

    I hope that Saddam is paying attention. And al-Qaeda. And Hezbollah. And anyone else who might wish us ill. Some medievalist Muslims have predicted that Israel and America love life too much to prevail in this struggle. What they don’t understand is that most of us understand some things really are worth dying for, and most of us would put protecting other innocent people tops on the list.

    Monday, October 21, 2002 9:51 pm

    Filed under: Victoria — Lex @ 9:51 pm

    “Daddy, you look silly with a ponytail.”

    “Sweetie, I probably would, but I’ve never had a ponytail.”

    “Yes, you have.”

    “Nope, I really haven’t.” (pause) “Although I did have a rat-tail once.”

    “What’s that?”

    “It’s when the very back of your hair is just a little bit longer than the rest, and it’s bleached blond.”

    “That’s funny.”

    “Yeah, well, it was considered sexy in 1984, but don’t ask me to explain why. In fact, don’t even ask me to explain the 1980s.”

    “Daddy, explain the 1980s.” (giggle)

    “Sorry. Not happenin’, dude.”

    “Yes, it is happening. Dude.” giggle

    “Nope. In fact, I don’t think anyone can explain it. You just sorta had to be there.”

    “That’s funny.

    “Sweetie, that’s so true.”

    Dept. of Shameless Self-Promotion

    Filed under: Woohoo! — Lex @ 7:47 pm

    Just in case you were laboring under the delusion that my co-workers and I totally, like, suck at our jobs: Check this out. I particularly like the part about “good editing.” :-)

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 5:13 pm

    As previously noted, I do not discuss my sex life on my Web site. But one of Blogworld’s rising stars, Sarah B., does, or at least the very tiniest beginnings of it: She talks about her first kiss and invites you, Gentle Reader, to join in.

    And so it would

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 4:28 pm

    “Another good name for a band (especially a heavy metal band) would be Grätüïtöüs Ümläüt.”
    –Mimi Smartypants

    Just call me Leatherface

    Filed under: Odds 'n' ends — Lex @ 3:51 pm

    After a brisk 90-minute tour of the lawn with my lawn mower on Saturday, I spent a good six hours attacking the overgrown shrubbery that clogs my front yard. Using the 2-foot HedgeHog electric hedge trimmer Ann thoughtfully purchased for me several weeks ago, I made like a Tobe Hooper villain, slicing and dicing. And let me tell you, that thing performed even better than it claimed it would.

    Yes, I became as God to our boxwoods and other shrubs (at least 15 of which line the front wall of our house alone), wielding the power of life, death and truncated limbs. Oh, the humanity! (Or, perhaps more appropriately: Oh, the vegetation!) And when it was all over, the shrubs were, if not beautiful, at least ruly: Their tops all were roughly aligned with the bottom edges of the windows on the front of my house, and the two by the street were no longer blocking the view of drivers trying to turn from the cul-de-sac onto Cascade Drive. (Citizens of Greensboro: Never say I never did anything for you.)

    Just two problems with all of this.

    First, the fun part of all this lasted less than an hour. All the rest of that six-hour span was spent stuffing the resulting detritus into plastic bags and hauling it to the curb (where, for those of you unfamiliar with Greensboro, the city picks it up every Monday, takes it to the dump, mulches it, and sells the mulch for cheap to city residents, which is a pretty cool thing for a city to do). Second, I now have a fishhook of pain extending from the base of my skull on the right side down to mid-back, then arching up under my right shoulder blade.

    But Ann has been expressing the wish for months that we could get those things under control. Now, at least ’til spring, they are. And if they rear their ugly heads above windowsill level again, Leatherface will return. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA …..

    Friday, October 11, 2002 4:24 pm

    I forgot to mention the biggest news of the week

    Filed under: Weird — Lex @ 4:24 pm

    According to Tuesday’s editions of The Wall Street Journal (article not available online), SpongeBob SquarePants is gay!

    My mother brought this story to my attention because my daughter is hugely into SpongeBob. She watches the show. (So do I, both to explain some of the jokes she doesn’t get and because its creator throws a crumb or two for the grownups into each episode. Bless him.) She has a SpongeBob t-shirt she sleeps in like a nightgown. She has a SpongeBob jumper, made by Granny out of SpongeBob fabric. She has a SpongeBob book bag. She even has SpongeBob bedroom slippers. Her birthday party this past summer was a SpongeBob party, complete with SpongeBob tablecloth, SpongeBob temporary tattoos and even a SpongeBob cake.

    So SpongeBob is gay? I’m kinda surprised, really. I mean, I just thought he was, like, 12 or something.

    Now, his friend Squidward, on the other hand … aging bachelor, prissy/grumpy demeanor, art on the walls, track lighting …

    Thursday, October 10, 2002 3:27 pm

    Train Truckspotting

    Filed under: Hooper — Lex @ 3:27 pm


    “No, buddy, that’s not a firetruck, that’s a cement mixer.”


    “No, buddy, that’s not a firetruck, that’s … um, a Lincoln SUV.”


    “No, buddy, that’s not a firetruck, that’s a pickup truck.”


    “No, buddy, that’s not a firetruck, that’s a tractor-trailer.”


    “No, buddy, that’s … uh, wait, yes, that is indeed a firetruck. Good going, buddy!”


    “No, buddy, that’s another firetruck.”

    Wednesday, October 9, 2002 11:42 am

    On fire for the Lord

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 11:42 am

    If your current Sunday-school class is all that, forget about this. But if you think it could stand some loosening up, check this out.

    On fire for the Lord

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 11:42 am

    If your current Sunday-school class is all that, forget about this. But if you think it could stand some loosening up, check this out.

    Tuesday, October 8, 2002 10:21 am


    Filed under: Braves — Lex @ 10:21 am

    Freakin’ Braves.

    Monday, October 7, 2002 3:51 pm

    Seeing the light

    Filed under: Housekeeping — Lex @ 3:51 pm

    Finally, I have my new glasses. Ann says they make me look old — actually, what she said was, “God, you look old. I can’t be seen in public with you!” — but I don’t care because they were both the lightest and the cheapest frames in the shop.

    Plus, I can read again!!! Or, to be technical, I could read again, if I had time to read anything. Which I don’t.

    Farewell to all that indie cred

    Filed under: Weird — Lex @ 11:10 am

    The estimable Dooce is feeling much better today after a cathartic confession of some of the things about her that she suspects are totally uncool. Indie cred be damned — a position, she admits, that might well be caused by age — she admits to going to see a Milli Vanilli concert, watching every episode of “Survivor” since the first season and not owning every album by the Smiths or any album by Led Zeppelin.

    Oh, and she bought a Dixie Chicks CD.

    Being a good Christian, and being old enough not to give much of a damn what anyone thinks about me anymore besides my wife and kids, I think I’ll confess some of my own sins, to wit:

  • Lou Reed is not God. Johnny Cash is.
  • I only ever try to watch three TV shows anymore, but one of them is “Gilmore Girls.”
  • At least half the time I think Tom Petty is a bigger punk that Johnny Rotten.
  • Somewhere within my massive collection of LPs lie not one, not two, but at least four Maynard Ferguson albums. All pre-“Rocky.”
  • Elvis Costello went to hell after his third album.
  • I haven’t read anyone’s novel in more than two years, and I expect it might be at least another two before I get to read one.
  • I don’t put details about my sex life on my blog.

    There. I feel better already.

  • Thursday, October 3, 2002 1:57 pm

    Hot hot hot

    Filed under: Weird — Lex @ 1:57 pm

    OK, it’s Oct. 3, and it’s gonna hit 90 here today. WTF???? Where’s my autumn???

    Raise a child up in the way that he should go, and when he is old he will not stray from it.

    “Hey, buddy, what does a dog say?”


    “Nah, a duck says quack. What does a dog say?”


    “Right. What does a cat say?”


    Nah, a duck says quack. What does a cat say?”


    “Right! Good job. What does a duck say?”


    “Excellent. What does a Panther say?”


    “That’s right! A Panther says ‘touchdown’!”


    Wednesday, October 2, 2002 1:23 pm

    What’s the worst that could happen?

    Filed under: Fun — Lex @ 1:23 pm

    I’m obviously a week late with this, but … I love NBC’s “The West Wing,” not so much for its politics as for moments like this, from last week’s season premiere:

    National Security Advisor Dr. Nancy McNally enters the



    Dr. McNally.

    Let’s attack.


    Qumar. Let’s recommend to the President
    that we attack.


    Cuz I’ve had it.

    I don’t think the UN’s gonna let us do
    it for that reason.

    That’s cuz you’re a sissy. You want
    peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair
    of third-generation ICBM’s and a compass.
    You’ve got B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over
    Qumar right now, as if the Qumari air-
    defense system requires stealth capability;
    just fly in at night. And while you’re at
    it, could you order the USS Louisiana to
    fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it
    works? What’s the worst that could happen?

    She talking to me?


    Well, ninety-eight percent of all
    living organisms within a seven mile
    radius would die instantly in a
    torrent of fire.

    Admiral Sissy-Mary.

    She sits.


    That’s comedy gold, there.

    Tuesday, October 1, 2002 10:30 am

    Easily amused

    Filed under: Geek-related issues — Lex @ 10:30 am

    There’s not a lot of excitement in my life, which, most days, is just fine with me. I mention this because it’s context for the excitement I am experiencing this morning: I have a new, larger monitor on my work computer. And I have a new, more adjustable, more ergonomically correct chair. Combined, these items are helping me overcome the spastic posture I have had to assume for the past four years while I work at a PC that sits on a table built in 1973 to hold a typewriter. Woo-hoo! Spazz no more!

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