And now, today’s Panel will perform a piece about CENTRISM, in a one-act play entitled “Will No One Shoot Me In the [Expletive] Face, Please? Because This Is A Living Nightmare, Watching This!”
“Will No One Shoot Me In the [Expletive] Face, Please? Because This Is A Living Nightmare, Watching This!”
A Play in One, short, sharp act (of rape (to the soul)).
DAVID GREGORY: ICE HIM, Bros!
THOMAS FRIEDMAN: Mustachioed myth-maker, funk-faker, mis-taker
PAUL GIGOT: of the “Djee-Gough” Gigots
ANDREA MITCHELL: Concubine of Alan Greenspan
BOB WOODWARD: the PICAYUNIEST
ME: will no one shoot me in the [expletive] face?
GREGORY: OMGZ! THE RAND PAULZ? IS HE STRANGE OR WHAT?
FRIEDMAN: He sure seems weakened by his stance against Civil Rights. It shows somehow that everyone needs to be pressed on what government spending we should cut!
ME: HOW DID YOU GET THERE FROM RAND PAUL??
FRIEDMAN: We need to cut taxes and raise them! We need to cut programs and have new programs!
ME: I guess there’s no way you can be wrong, then.
GREGORY: OMGZ! YES! THAT IS EXACTLY THE LESSON RAND PAUL TEACHES US. IT IS A LARGER QUESTION ON THE TURRIBLE DEBTS AND HOW TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY.
GIGOT: I know! Rand Paul, though, is willing to be specific about what he’ll cut! He just made the mistake of bringing up the Civil Rights Act.
ME: I mean…ha…ha…it’s not at all about how a major party after years of associating themselves with the worst insticts of identity politics ends up nominating someone who critically forces them to look in the mirror about what they’ve become, at all!
GREGORY: OMGZ, DIDN’T RAND PAUL DO WHAT JOURNALISTS LIKE, THOUGH? AND SAID WHAT HE TRULY BELIEVES?
ME: Journalists should like prying the truth from people, not sitting back and letting inconsequential people implode on television. I mean, props to everyone going hard at Rand Paul, right? But it’s not a very high-stakes encounter!
MITCHELL: Why does Rand Paul presume to be able to pass laws in the Senate if he thinks that the government should not meddle in the affairs of private business.
ME: Uhm…Andrea, perhaps you should familiarize yourself with “libertarianism?”
WOODWARD: Ronald Reagan ran on an anti-government message. Then he didn’t cut government.
MITCHELL: I don’t agree.
WOODWARD: He refused to come on this show.
GREGORY: HAHAHAHAHAA. HERE’S SOME CARTOONS!
GIGOT: Obama has governed so far to the left.
ME: Have you read the health care bill? Have you seen what FinReg amounts to? Noticed the retention of any number of Bush-era executive policies? Seriously. Now is where I would seriously like that gunshot to the face, people.
WIFE: Do people honestly believe that?
ME: On this terrible show, yes.
GREGORY: LARF LARF LARF CARTOONZ! AND YET TARP IS A GOP IDEA!
GIGOT: Even the Democrats are turning on their moderates who won’t support the President.
ME: YES! SO LONG AS WE PRETEND MARK CRITZ DOESN’T EXIST.
WOODWARD: The oil spill in the Gulf, where is that going?
ME: WTF? Is this an Insane Clown Posse song, now?
GREGORY: I’ll get to the oil spill in a minute.
ME: Right! HORSERACE POLITICS FIRST, and then maybe, actual things that affect the lives of actual Americans.
GREGORY: WHO WILL SAVE THE HEROIC CENTRISTS?
FRIEDMAN: It’s been decimated! Through gerrymandering! And the internet and it’s “digital lynch mobs.”
ME: TERRIBLE, all these DIGITAL LYNCHINGS.
FRIEDMAN: What if we could just be China, for a day?
ME: A GUNSHOT. TO. MY. FACE.
MITCHELL: There is so much punishment for people who work across party lines.
ME: ON ONE SIDE, ANDREA! On one side! Blanche Lincoln is taking heat not because the Democratic base is upset with her propensity to “work across the aisle,” but because she TAKES MONEY FROM THE MOST CRAVEN FINANCIAL INTERESTS AND THEN WRITE LAWS THAT BENEFIT THEM AT OUR EXPENSE. That’s what she was doing, until she got primaried, and had to pretend she had principles for a brief period of time. But she wouldn’t even cast a vote for the very derivatives reform measure that she wrote for the sole purpose of appealing to the voters that were abandoning her because she’s a sell-out. Meanwhile, Bob Bennett is on the outs in Utah SOLELY BECAUSE HE WAS NOT AT ALL TIMES OPENLY HOSTILE TO HIS DEMOCRATIC COLLEAGUES. There’s no “both sides are doing it.”
FRIEDMAN: I WANT THE SYSTEM TO WORK!
WOODWARD: No one is going to enact your fantasies.
GIGOT: These things go in cycles.
ME: What, should be all just start mindlessly repeating platitudes? I actually prefer this. Can we just leave it here, David Gregory.
GREGORY: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE OIL SPILL, OMGZ?
ME: With Thomas Friedman and Bob Woodward? Why? Why on earth? This panel is barely hanging on with the topic they’re best suited for: pointless political minutiae.
GREGORY: THE OIL IS GUSHING. AND JAMES CARVILLE IS CRITICAL OF THE RESPONSE.
ME: Seriously, this has been happening for over a month, and you mean to tell me that now that James Carville has finally gotten around to giving a tinned [expletive] about it all, we’ve finally reached some critical milestone? OH MY GOD, THIS [EXPLETIVE] FINALLY GOT TO BE TOO MUCH FOR JAMES CARVILLE, SO LOOK OUT, GAME CHANGE.
FRIEDMAN: The Obama response is problematic because it’s “think small and carry a big stick.”
ME: As opposed to Friedman’s “Think Big And Fap Myself To My Image In A Mirror.”
WOODWARD: “It is potentially a giant disaster.”
ME: Potentially? WHAT THE [EXPLETIVE] BOB WOODWARD, DOES THE OIL SPILL HAVE TO MEET YOU IN A ROSSLYN PARKING GARAGE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IT IS A SERIOUS THING?
WOODWARD: Disasters come and go. 9/11 for example. came and went.
ME: Oh, sure! It hasn’t had any everlasting policy implications at all! Here’s a true [expletive] story from my life this week. My sister had her wallet stolen. And she went to the DMV to get a new ID. She brought her passport, her social security card, her lease, her paystubs, her utility bills, academic transcripts from three institutions, and a FRAMED CERTIFICATE ATTESTING TO HER STATUS AS A NOTARY PUBLIC IN GOOD STANDING SIGNED BY THE GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA, and the guy at the DMV was all: “I’m not sure this is sufficient proof of identity,” forcing my sister to have to make her very best WTF FACES at everyone there until they relented. So, ha ha! 9/11 didn’t “come and go,” if you are a normal person who knows normal people.
WOODWARD: Why don’t they call in Google?
ME: WHAT? TO FIX AN OIL SPILL? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? BOOLEAN SEARCH THAT HOLE CLOSED?
MITCHELL: Why haven’t the scientists fixed this?
ME: Because SUPER-SCIENCE IS NOT SOMETHING YOU FLICK ON AND OFF WITH A SWITCH? Because we do not live in the world of THE VENTURE BROTHERS?
GREGORY: WHAT DO WE DO?
WOODWARD: “The one thing we’ve learned about oil is — and it’s kind of answered the question of why the oil companies have been making so much money — is that you don’t have to go down there and pump it. It just comes to you once you pierce the shell of the bottom and all of this is coming…you know…no pumps.”
ME: Wow. Just wow. Just, for real, put a gun to my face, pull the trigger a million times. That was a sentence said in America. WOW THE OIL JUST COMES RIGHT UP, WHO KNEW? You know, everyone was really disappointed that Rand Paul’s cancellation was going to diminish the chances that someone would say something exceedingly stupid on MEET THE PRESS today, but man, Bob Woodward. He has really stepped up and delivered.
WOODWARD: This could come up the East Coast! This could come here and destroy your set.
ME: Oh, don’t make me say: “Go OIL!”
GREGORY: We have an oil spill that continues and a debt that continues to go up.
ME: We have a problem that impacts actual people and something that political elites obsess over!
GREGORY: We’re going to leave it there.
ME: Go jump in the Gulf of Mexico.
People. The man is in agony. You must help him.